"Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You'll realise this as soon as they're born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you."
Parenting is hard, no doubt and can transform your life in ways you can’t imagine. These hilarious punchlines from celebrated comedians will tickle your funny bones as they remind you of your own struggles as a parent or a child. Take a look:
1. “Somebody gonna get hurt real bad. That was my dad’s threat, right before he beat me. He’d never tell you it was you. I mean, you knew it was you, but he’d give you this hope.” -Russell Peters
2. “Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realise this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.” -Ray Romano
3. “I have never wanted kids. Then I saw myself as a baby on your show, and I thought, ‘Who am I to deprive the world of such a beautiful baby?’ So I think we’re going to do it, but just use my genetics.” -Amy Schumer on The Ellen DeGeneres Show
4. “I want to have kids but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don’t want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.” – Rita Rudner
5. “I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy. Even Johnny Depp’s kid must be like, ‘Oh god, my dad with those freakin’ scarves. This isn’t a pirate ship, it’s Costco, dad.’” -Judd Apatow
6. “Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them responsibility for 24-36 hours.” -Conan O’Brien
7. “I’m too old for any of this, but especially that [poop]. Maybe it’s just me being a ninny, but for 6 months I just wake up like OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE? But I’m sure that will pass.” -David Letterman
8. “Have you seen a baby? They’re pretty cute. Loving them is pretty easy. Smiling babies should actually be categorised by the pharmaceutical industry as a powerful antidepressant. Being happy is really the definition of success, isn’t it?” -Jim Gaffigan
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