“Why I would like to have sodium Pentobarbital”

The author of this text wishes to remain anonymous. The MIRROR documents from your clinic and from the BfArM. Your statements coincide with the statements in the documents.

“Your request from the 13.04.2018 is rejected.” The writes to me, the Federal Institute for drugs and medical devices (BfArM) in September 2018. It is to Write in such a friendly way as property, plant, three-sided, where I’m going with my illness regrets. I wanted nothing more than 16 grams of sodium Pentobarbital, as a last resort for the worst of times. The yet to come, but you is sure to come. I have amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, a fatal disease.

To know that C11H18N2O3 is to me, would be a relief.

16. and 17. April of the Second Senate of the Federal constitutional court, negotiated over six constitutional complaints against section 217 of the penal code, which since the end of 2015, the business-like promotion of suicide is punishable. This could finally bring clarity for the more than one hundred people have submitted to the Federal Institute for drugs and medical devices (BfArM) a request for allotment of sodium Pentobarbital for self-killing.

Sure, I could drive to Switzerland. It would cost me some, some thousands, and, not least, Overcoming, because I would have to be willing to put myself in the hands of a organization, me with professional die helpers involved, and – the worst idea – I have an appointment.

The appointment was in my calendar. He would be closer to the back, I could count the days, and at some point would be clear: next week, in three days, in the morning.

And if tomorrow is not a good day to Die?

I don’t want the last trip

In the movie “blown away” by Jacob Vaughan, Hannes (played by Florian David Fitz) embarks with his friends on the annual bike tour. He has selected the destination: Belgium. It is not without reason. Hannes has ALS, the familial variant, and, in any case, he wants to die as miserably as his father. He does not want to wait, even if he seems to be still far from an end. He can still breathe, speak, eat, and, after all, a few Hundred kilometers long Bicycle tour. However, his friends going back without him. Hannes has a doctor’s appointment.

Unlike in Switzerland, to die is consent in Belgium is not the poisoned chalice handed to you, but you will be put to sleep by a doctor, such as love of Pets with a syringe. I see my three big dogs in this way, to die and give them the paw. It was just bearable, the. The parting was unbearable.

Poison drink the poison-filled syringe, on-time, last trip. I want to?

No, I don’t want to.

I want the 16 grams of sodium Pentobarbital, which entitled me to the judgment of the Federal administrative court from March 2017

Therefore, people who are terminally ill can receive the funds from the BfArM for self-killing. You will need to provide evidence of: a specialist medical and palliative medical opinion, the opinion of a notary or shrink with the confirmation that you “are aware of the implications of their decision, fully aware of” and to the free exercise of the will is capable of. They must also submit a Declaration in which they “Suffer the serious physical and pain caused suffering, and of the extreme distress and the perceived hopelessness of the Situation as accurately as possible to describe”.

However, I had informed the BfArM in his first Letter to the fact that it would seem doubtful, whether the judgment of the Federal administrative court, under the Constitution, is “for reasons of content and because it Exceeded the powers of the court”. Is this a result of the constitutional lawyer Udo Di Fabio came in his opinion.

Over a hundred people have submitted the application for your records.

I am one of them.

As for me, the application was rejected for all other.

However, my documents were not complete. As it was clear that the judgment of the Federal administrative court should be ignored an edict from the Federal Ministry of health – I have not tried, everything to mobilize. It is not easy, the required opinion must be obtained, and requirements. Also: My status changed from month to month, as in the case of a progressive disease is not to be expected.

The first floor, then a Walker, now wheelchair

The progression is slow. Since all other waveforms are known. AS a so-called motor neurone disease in the muscles atrophy because the nerve impulses left. In my self-help group I’ve seen in the six years that I’m here, not a few, only three, four Times.

The disease was known in Germany mainly by the Ice Bucket Challenge, where celebrities, actors, athletes, or politicians in a bucket of ice water poured over your head and money donated. About $ 40 million came together, and were put into the research.

For me, the disease progresses and, with it, the muscle wasting, unstoppable. Initially, I walked with a walking cane, then it had to be two, soon gave me only the Walker, and for a year I am permanently in a wheelchair. I am still to understand syllable by syllable, speaking, and yet I breathe with the remaining 55 percent lung capacity, independently and without night-time mask. I still eat a limited selection and consistency, I can make the Transfer from wheelchair to bed, or in a cinema chair.

But then? I can’t wait until I’m completely paralyzed am. I must, however, resolve the fine Powders, in water, or by hand to the mouth. I want to kill one self, and no assisted suicide.

Peacefully fall asleep, or torment?

Thomas Meyer, head of the als clinic at the Charité hospital in Berlin, has written to me on my questions about the death AS: “There are two causes of death: lack of food due to paralysis of the swallowing muscles or respiratory failure due to paralysis of the respiratory muscles.” This, however, is rare because “the majority, 80 percent, and dies in a state of fatigue and a terminal sleep. In this case, Dying is experienced excruciating. The other 20 percent would die a painful death. With palliative medicine, we can alleviate the majority of the patients in the process of dying.”

And if I belong to the minority?

And what is up there? With a gastric probe, with the so-called home respiration, in the further course of the tube, i.e., tracheotomy, and, with all the associated procedures. Even well, as the neuroscientist Niels Birbaumer of 2015, wrote in a contribution to patient orders in the “ärzteblatt”: “patients with AS show after invasive artificial ventilation, a high quality of life comparable with Healthy. The amount of positive quality of life does not depend on the Severity and the progression of the disease. In the included condition will be assessed if artificial respiration – the quality of life.”

Great Prospects. As this will be, in reality, depends on the social environment and of the force to Care. As the care is ordered in our country, in connection with to die THAN refer to it, “Mr angel decides”. Mr angel must be cared for 24 hours a day and can find no reliable nursing service, incompetent nurses and nurse endanger be anyway reduced and threatened life.

Anyone who is seriously ill, falls of itself to the load

Quality of life and Suffering, even without pain, can only be subjectively seen. What is perceived as “extreme hardship” is to be judged by anyone but the one who is in it. It is also not other as a good example can be cited for that.

In November 2015, the Section 217 of the penal code was re-written, I wondered, what is actually behind them. Why was says any Form of assistance to Die under and made subject to punishment if it is “commercially” used? The “commercial scale” was not referring only to the organized euthanasia, but also to medical support, even on medical advice.

The fear of the outside influence, this “could be anyone, someone falls to the load” I simply say – nonsense. First of all, who is seriously ill, himself. Living with an incurable illness, unbearable – of the “master” can be no speech, is for the Affected heavier than for relatives and others Helping.

The Order from the Ministry of health, motions in the negative to modest, is to prevent the first publication of causes of the By means of an avalanche of other requests. Still, it may be just over a hundred people, then thousands could follow the reasoning. What a fear!

Eventually, bravely swallow

I don’t want to take the funds immediately. I want that it is with me, to be left at home in a lockable cassette that provision to ensure it. I’m sure that I’m using this tool in the back of your hand for a while longer and can take.

Maybe it is quite different. Maybe I’ll take it. But more likely I’ll know one day: that’s enough! I don’t want to go to Belgium and even less in Switzerland. Then I would like to resolve without an appointment and without a trip to the Mediterranean in the water and it bravely swallow. If it’s the last thing I do.